Raising Boys in a Patriarchal Society

Today we explore the complexities of raising boys in a patriarchal society, diving deep into the origins of patriarchy, debunking common myths, and discussing its impact on both men and women.

Topics: 

  • Introduction to patriarchy

  • Definition and historical context of patriarchy 

  • Evolution of patriarchal beliefs and their societal impact

  • Arguments against patriarchy

  • How patriarchy hurts men and boys

  • Strategies for raising boys in a patriarchy

1. Model healthy communication & equal gender roles in the home

Demonstrate respectful and open communication in your own relationships and interactions. Show your sons how to express themselves assertively as an ally while also listening actively and empathetically to others. Every family structure looks different, but if we’re looking at the stereotypical nuclear family with a father and mother, there should be an intentional and conscious conversation about who will engage in what kind of work so that it is divided up evenly. That means Dad should be cooking, cleaning, filling out school forms, packing lunches, folding laundry, comforting boo-boos, running errands, managing after-school activity schedules, just as much as Mom. 

If you’re in a family situation where one parent works outside the home to earn an income and the other parent stays home to take care of all the childcare and housework, this conversation is even more critical. It’s all too easy for the stay-at-home parent (which is usually the mother, because remember, under patriarchy, women earn less money than men) to become the doer-of-all-things, and this carework is then taken for granted. If the income-earning parent gets to come home from work and relax in the evenings and weekends, then the stay-at-home parent should be relaxing just as much, because care work is also work that we need a break from. 

2. Move beyond the dolls to actively promote feminine values.

Yes, I gave both my sons dolls, and honestly, they never played with them. In fact, the doll lay neglected in their closet until my daughter, at the age of two, uncovered the poor little baby and promptly took him to her room to care for him. But it goes beyond the dolls and traditional “girl” toys. We tell our daughters they can do anything a boy can do…but do we tell our sons they can do anything a girl can do? 

Encourage your sons to question traditional gender roles and expectations. Help them understand that masculinity is diverse and multifaceted, and that there's no one "right" way to be a man. Also elevate traditionally “feminine” characteristics, because under patriarchy, femininity is not as valued as masculinity. All humans are capable of compassion, creativity, nurturance, warmth, vulnerability, generosity, fear, sadness and so on. There’s a disturbing belief among the far-right that masculinity is under attack, that boys are being coddled, and teaching them compassion is emasculating. All this does is reinforce dangerous messages that further entrench young men into believing that what makes them men is denying these human attributes.

3. Address your own unconscious patriarchal norms

It will take practice encouraging boys to be vulnerable, compassionate, and creative, and it also starts with checking your own unconscious biases about men and feminine values. How do you feel about men crying in front of you? What’s your gut reaction if I tell you to picture a man braiding another man’s hair? What would you think if your male coworker proudly showed you the quilt he just finished making? Recognizing how the patriarchy has affected our own beliefs about how men are supposed to behave is a good place to start, because once we’re aware of them, we can start to unpack why we think like this, question if these thoughts still serve us, and decide what we want to do about changing our belief system around men and feminine values if needed. 

4. Encourage Emotional Intelligence: 

In addition to never again saying the phrase, "boys don't cry," it's crucial to actively promote emotional intelligence and empathy in boys. Encourage open discussions about feelings, validate their emotions, and provide them with healthy outlets for expression. Teach them to recognize and respect emotions in themselves and others, fostering a sense of compassion and understanding that transcends traditional gender roles.

5. Address all forms of oppression, not just gender inequality

This is a big one. Patriarchy doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and women aren’t the only class of people who are facing injustice and oppression. We live in a society of interlocking oppressions, namely: white supremacy, heteronormativity, extractive capitalism, imperialism, and ableism, to name a few. Intersectionality means there are people who are facing multiple injustices based on their various identities. Raising feminist sons means raising boys who are aware of their systems and are actively working to dismantle them. 

The good news is that no one is born prejudiced. It is something that is learned, and as such, it’s possible to unlearn it. Having conversations about these topics can be uncomfortable but necessary. There are a lot of excellent resources out there on raising anti-racist kids.

6. Foster Critical Media Literacy: 

Equip boys with the skills to critically analyze and deconstruct media messages about gender. It’s good to watch movies and shows that are diverse and inclusive, but it’s also important to teach them how to question stereotypes and representations of masculinity and femininity in movies, TV shows, advertising, and social media. Go back and watch some of your favorite movies from the 90s and early 2000s with your kids and point out all the stuff that just would not fly today (and maybe reflect on how that affected you too!)

7. Promote Consent and Respectful Relationships: 

From the very beginning, teach your kids about the importance of consent, boundaries, and respect in all relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or familial. Everyone has the right to bodily autonomy, meaning they should have control over what happens to their body, including who gets to touch it, how, when, etc. If they don’t want to be hugged by Aunt Sarah, they don’t have to be hugged. Then teach them that consent goes both ways, and they have a responsibility to listen and honor others' boundaries. 

When they get a little older, this will include talking about how sexism and misogyny have a lot to do with consent because they can lead to harmful myths and misconceptions, like:

  • Men should always want sex and are expected to push the boundaries of how far they can go with partners.

  • The woman is a “gatekeeper” responsible for pacing or stopping sexual acts.

  • Women should obey men.

  • It isn’t “manly” or romantic to ask before kissing a woman or making a move sexually.

Have these open and honest conversations early and frequently to help promote respect and consent.

8. Advocate for Gender-Inclusive Education: 

Support educational initiatives that promote gender equality and inclusivity in schools. This is super important now that there are some conservative parent groups out there who are actively trying to shut down conversations about gender in school. Encourage schools to incorporate feminist perspectives into the curriculum, teach about the historical contributions of women, and challenge gender stereotypes in classroom discussions and activities. Maybe you can advocate for inclusive sex education that addresses topics like consent, healthy relationships, and LGBTQ+ identities. 

9. Lead by Example: 

Perhaps most importantly, model feminist values and behaviors in your own life. Yes, we talked about modeling equity at home, but also model these values out in the world. Show your sons what it means to be an ally to women and marginalized genders by actively supporting gender equality initiatives, advocating for women's rights, and challenging sexism and discrimination when you encounter it. Your actions speak louder than words, and by living your values, you demonstrate to your sons what it means to be a true feminist ally.

Resources:

Note: Susie will be taking a summer break after this episode, but stay tuned for updates on her new project and more discussions on Rebel Mothers! To receive email updates, join her newsletter.

Susie Fishleder